Tag Archives: Daddy Long Legs

My Spider-Baby Army, or, ‘Where the New Year has made me slightly insane.’

I am still not dead. Though I appreciate my lack of postings would suggest otherwise.

Ever since the time I murdered the Daddy-Long-Legs by trying to save it’s life, I’ve become a bit ridiculous in regards to spider safety. For example, if I find a Daddy-Long-Legs in my shower, instead of trying to save it (because we all know how well THAT turned out) I now try and angle my body so the minimal amount of water spray gets on it. Which makes my shower insanely uncomfortable. I tried ‘pretending’ I didn’t see them and so if, oh well, my shower spray sent them spiralling down the drain I told myself it wasn’t my fault. BUT IT WAS.

I clearly have problems.

Just now, while going out to enjoy a summer evening cigarette*, I noticed a spider, a white one, not sure what kind, perched by my doorway. Surrounding it was a lot of little spider-babies. After my initial freak out, with the thought of them growing up and running around my house, I’ve decided I’m quite fond of them. I certainly can’t kill them. THEY’RE CHILDREN. And so one half of me hopes they grow up really quickly and leave home to seek their fortunes, while the other (and I admit, more imaginative half) has dreams of creating a Spider-Baby Army in which they obey my every whim. The picture in my head is very a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

With a bit of Aladdin thrown in. The Aladdin part is where I picture myself riding the biggest spider under a canopy, languidly** waving my arms to command my Spider-Baby Army.

It’s all pretty awesome.

* Enjoyment is a strong word, as I’m smoking the second rate Champion Ruby as the IGA in the sticks that I was forced to go to had run out of Golden Virginia. What the hell? Who smokes Golden Virginia outside of Europe apart from me?

** Languid should clearly be in the list of words to be used as often as possible.

Images from: harrypotter.wikia.com and atomicmail.com

I am a Murderess.

The other day I went to jump into the shower (note: who the hell ‘jumps’ into the shower? Don’t we all just step in? If you actually are a jumper, please let me know) and I see a Daddy Long Legs on the shower wall.

I’m a bit of a fan of a Daddy Long Legs. I’m not a Spider-Lover by any means, but I am certainly not a Spider-Hater. I’m a Saver not a Squisher. But I quite like the Daddy Long Legs because I think for a spider they’re pretty dignified. They never scuttle. They’re always pretty slow and chilled out and if a Daddy Long Legs was a person, I think he would be like an old man with a 25 year old scotch, smoking a pipe.

So I’m in the shower and I see him and I’m like, whoa little Spider-Buddy, you are gonna DROWN if you stay there! So I get out of the shower, wrap a towel around myself, find a glass, find a postcard (well actually it was just a bit of cardboard. The postcard sending days are really dying. Let’s just call it a postcard and pretend) and proceed to save Mr Spider.

This involves the tricky process of sliding the postcard under the glass which is usually okay for all other spiders but a Daddy Long Legs has really long legs and it’s really tricky to get them all under the glass and over the postcard without amputating a leg especially cos they’re so thin and you’re struggling with keeping your towel up.

But finally he’s in the glass and I take him outside (fully aware that my towel is now practically completely off and a hell of a lot of my neighbours can see into my back garden) and I sit him on the table with the sunshine pouring down and I’m all go go Daddy Long Legs go! Go and commune with nature or whatever.

I go back. I have my shower.

Afterwards, this time dressed, I wander outside for my post shower cigarette and I see Mr Spider still in his glass. Suspiciously still. Still as in not moving, not still as in he is still there. Although that would be correct also because he was still there.

So I shake the glass veeeeery gently to see if he’s okay.

He is not okay. Mr Spider Daddy Long Legs is dead. Dead. D.E.A.D. It could have been the sunshine, could have been that he was very, very old and he was about to die anyway but somehow I doubt it. I, trying to save Mr Spider Daddy Long Legs his very life, had killed him with the utter shock of my Relocation Program.

I am shattered.