A little old lady used to live in my house. I know this because the bathroom and toilet are absolutely riddled with disability aids. You know those metal bars that are in the disabled toilets to hang on to. Well there’s one in my bath, my toilet, and my shower. This is need to know information. Because the other day I was in a Super Hurry to meet George and I had about 17 seconds to have a shower and catch a train.
As everyone knows you should never hurry in the shower because that means either a) you murder a member of the animal kingdom, or b) you drop the soap. It’s like a rule that you drop the soap in the shower when you’re in a hurry.
So I drop the soap and I’m like fuck, only 13 seconds to catch the train now and I bend down to pick it up and on my way back up from bending down, I manage to straighten up into the disability bar and my head and the disability bar join as one in a real fuck-oh-fuck-you-mother-fucking-cunt-of-a-disability-bar-i-fucking-hate-you kinda way. I hit it so hard that it clanged and the noise reverberated around my bathroom in a somewhat satisfying way because it justified the pain that was shooting through my brain and making me feel like I had a bar shaped dent in my head.
Now here is my query: Who the fuck disables themselves on a disability bar? That’s like falling over a wheelchair and breaking both your legs. Fuck you Alanis Morissette. I take your stupid song and raise you a bar shaped dent in my head.
These examples look suspiciously plastic to me. Well my ones are made from good old fashioned mined metal materials.
I have since Googled ‘disability aid’ and apparently I’m supposed to say ‘mobility aid’. Well that’s stupid. The whole point is to aid non-mobile people, not shove it in their faces. “Would you like a mobility aid? Yes, that’s right, it’s designed specifically for people like you who aren’t mobile, we just put the word ‘mobile’ in the name to make you feel like shit because no one uses the word ‘disability’ anymore. Want me to say it again? Moooobiiiilleeee. Sounds good don’t it? JEALOUS?” Yeah, thanks asshole. That’s like the retards who put an ‘s’ in the word ‘lisp’. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? “I have a lithp.” That’s just MEAN. And did I just say ‘retard’? BITE ME.