The Wedding Sister and my ‘Stylist’

Today I got my hair cut. I look as saucy as can be. But this is not my point. My point in the inanity of hairdressers. Again.

I get my hair cut at a different place from where I get it coloured (Oh Mieka, can you do no wrong?) on recommendation from my little sister.

My sister, who is rad, is getting married in less than two weeks. As I was getting caped and gowned by my lovely ‘stylist’ (you’re not supposed to call them ‘hairdressers’ any more) the woman who cuts my sister’s hair recognised me.

Woman who cuts my sister’s hair: Oh, I recognise you! Your Mavis’s* sister!

Me: Yeah, I am! She recommended this salon to me.

Woman who cuts my sister’s hair: She’s coming in soon to get her hair done for the wedding! How exciting!

Me: Yeah, we’re all pretty excited about it.

MY stylist, who had been listening to this, stops short, mid cape buttoning, and gazes at me in the mirror.

My stylist: Your sister is getting married?

Me: Yes, next Sunday.

My stylist: And she’s okay with you getting your hair cut so close to the wedding?

WTF. Was she serious? I thought she wasn’t, so I laughed. And then I realised she WAS. And then there was a very interesting conversation in which I explained that my sister was actually one of those amazing creatures who DOESN’T CARE if her sister’s hair doesn’t match her squillion dollar wedding shoes and if her best friend’s nails don’t match the flower arrangements she will not have an apoplexy because my sister has the common sense to understand that weddings have NO NEED to be the retarded circus that so many insist on them being.

I find it ASTONISHING how many people can’t wrap their heads around the simplicity of the coming ceremony.

Random person: So… wait… you’re not a bridesmaid? She’s not having bridesmaids? But… but what flower arrangement is she getting? THE FLOWERS ARE NOT GOING TO BE ARRANGED!?

As much as we all love the look of flowers that look like they’ve been bred in a science lab and then hair sprayed together (see above), no. They are not going to be arranged.

I would like to take the time to a) apologise for initially calling my ‘stylist’ inane, because clearly this is an issue that she’s had to deal with many times before. She even told me her sister made her grow out her fringe for her wedding. Clearly her sister is not as amazing as my sister.

and b) thank my sister for being the awesome person she is.

* My sister’s name is not Mavis. That is just what I call her sometimes to piss her off. As she sent me a text message today saying ‘hi penisbreath’, I think I am allowed to Mavis her up today.

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This mother should rule the world… or at least be the deputy to my mum

I just read a WONDERFUL article written by the type of person who really should be the ruler the universe. If everyone had the same kind of attitude as this woman does, then this world would be far more tolerant and a rad place to live. Hence my title. Of course, I think MY mum is the best mum ever, which is to be expected (but seriously, she is) so this woman could be like, my mum’s High Chancellor or Advisory Queen or something.

I’m sharing the link here and I encourage EVERYONE to press on it.

http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

My Top 10 Buffy Episodes. Ever.

So recently I’ve become obsessed with the awesome site www.listverse.com, which is amazing for a number of reasons. The first one being that it’s a site full of lists and I LOVE lists. The second is that it’s amazingly addictive and if I’m at work, it can take up a good couple of hours. Because I’m not working at work. That would be weird. Anyways, it inspired to create my very own list and maybe the bosses as Listverse will SEE my list and think I’m awesome and want to put it on their site! Oh em gee. It would be like I would be famous. There was something seriously wrong with the grammar in that sentence but I’m really not going to dwell on it.

Seriously, check Listverse out cos it’s interesting. Lists of the top 10 weird travel destinations. Top 10 gruesome ways to die. Top 10 facts that are actually wrong. Top 10 weird scenes in movies. Top 10 political prisoners. Etc etc. And you get to LEARN at the same time! What could be more fun.

This list is dedicated to the Buffy episodes that I can watch over and over. Many fans of Buffy will cite other episodes as being better, more technically correct, significant, etc. For example. The Body is widely recognised as one of the most sophisticated episodes. But let’s face it. It’s certainly not one I can watch a heap of times. BECAUSE IT’S SAD. Same goes for Conversations with Dead People. One word: Creepy. This is MY list of MY favourite episodes.

10. FOOL FOR LOVE

I always love a bit of history and backstory in Buffy and this episode had epic proportions of it. It also did a very fancy crossover with Angel, but I won’t go into it cos it will be confusing and this entire post is lost on non-Buffy watchers anyway.

This gets the Number 10 spot for the above scene where Spike gets all Billy Idol in New York and acquires his leather jacket.

Image from: www.ew.com

9. INNOCENCE

ANGEL.TURNS.BAD. Need I say more? And check it out. His shirt is off. And it’s yum. And look, Buffy is all sad and shit cos she doesn’t understand why her True Love is being a meanie to her. IT’S COS HE HAS TURNED BAD BUFFY!

Image from: www.ew.com

8. BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED

Poor geeky Xander has just been dumped on Valentine’s Day, so gets the help of Amy to make Cordelia fall back in love with him. Spell goes wrong, and every female in Sunnydale falls for him, including Buffy’s mum. Oh, and except for Cordelia. Highlights include Buffy’s technicolor tan.

Image from: Photobucket

7. SOMETHING BLUE

So Willow is all depressed and annoying cos Oz has gone off to Nepal or the Himalayas or whatever to go ‘find himself’ and so she does some Magicks to get Oz to come back to her. But due to her karmic imbalance, or you know, she’s all stressy, the Magicks go wrong and all of a sudden Giles is blind, Xander’s a demon magnet and Spike and Buffy have decided they’re getting married. Comedy gold. Giles at his best.

Image from: www.bbc.co.uk

6. HALLOWEEN

This is a really hard one to cap as I think all the one-liners in it just make it beautiful. I think this was the first episode Joss (I LOVE YOU!) really turned Sunnydale upside down, which are always my favourite ones. As demonstrated by this list.

Image from: www.thetorchonline.com

5. THE WISH

Cordelia makes a wish that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, so enter a Sunnydale without Buffy. See picture: Vampires abound in the form of her bff’s. I remember really loving Buffy’s alternate universe scar across her lip in this episode, and wished I had my very own scar across my lip in weird self harm kinda way. Best finale ever.

Image from: Photobucket

4. GRADUATION DAY (parts 1 and 2)

This is cheating a little bit, cos it’s two episodes, but they have the same name so whatever. Easily the best fight between Buffy and Evil Slayer Faith. I especially like their matching but not matching leather pants. And Faith’s super squiggly evil looking knife. I tried to find a picture but all that was available were them in doll form, which I found a bit too creepy. The graduating class getting all pitchforky is pretty rad too. And the whole Angel biting Buffy thing is actually a bit hot. Which is weird.

Image from: andythesaint.wordpress.com (I just realised the site I stole this image from, (thanks Andy, you rock! I hope it’s okay I stole your picture. If not, please email me and I will feel like I have a fan!) has does the Top 25 episodes of Buffy. Go Andy! I am going to check it out. Though Andy, to be honest, I think letting you have 25 episodes is cheating a little bit, and much easier to do. Fine. If I was allowed 25, I would also include, in no particular order: Pangs, The Body, Doppelgangland, The Gift, Superstar – purely for the opening credits, School Hard, What’s My Line parts 1 and 2, Becoming parts 1 and 2.Phases, Lover’s Walk, and OH MY GOD I’m stopping there. How could you do 25? Far too much.

3. ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING

THEY ALL SING. Well, Willow tries and the rest of them sing. And very catchy, catchy songs too. Didn’t like Tara until this episode. She sold me with her saucy metaphors and cheeky eye dart as she spread herself under her ‘willow tree’. Oh, Tara. You minx.

Image from: Lyrics digger

2. HUSH

This was originally my number one spot and I will explain why it got moved when I talk about my actual number one. Possibly the most frightening Buffy episode ever, with the possible exception of Killed By Death. (Did you SEE that demon guy with the eyeballs that stuck on kid’s foreheads and sucked out their lives? DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF!?) Anyways, Hush is rad for all sorts of technical reasons which are explained much more academically and succinctly on other sites that are not this one. It’s the whole thing of having NO dialogue for the majority of the episode. The highlights for me in this episode is clearly Giles’ slideshow. The lowlight is clearly Buffy’s retarded scream at the end.

Image from: DVD movie reviews

1. BAND CANDY

Yes, this is my all time favourite Buffy episode for so many amazing reasons. It’s the one I can watch many, many times. I think what really sold me on this episode is it’s relationship to one two seasons later. In the scene above, Giles and Joyce are listening to Cream’s, Tale of Brave Ulysses, one of my all time favourite songs. Then, in the episode of The Body, two seasons later, there is a very small scene, with no dialogue, where you see Giles put on the same vinyl recording and listen to it with a glass of scotch as a tribute to Joyce. Or it may have been brandy. Whatever. Anyway, I didn’t even click to this until I was having a mega Buffy marathon run and managed to watch three seasons in about three days, and recognised the song. Oh Joss. You are my hero. You’re so SLY!

Image from: msjacks.wordpress.com

The Mouse and The Pretend Bong

It has been so embarrassingly long since I’ve posted a Sophie update that I actually forgot for a little minute which buttons to press to actually create a new post. WOW.

So, in my defence, I have been Totes Def Busy. I’m making Other Writing Projects. And writing an Exegesis. For those of you who don’t know what an exegesis is, here is a brief yet I believe succinct explanation:

An exegesis is a 7000 word piece of wank that universities make you do so they can scam as much money from you as possible.*

I have also been doing the following:

– having crushes on boys who don’t like me back.

– re-reading all the Harry Potter’s.

– trying to remember how to make a bong from a drink bottle and a piece of hose (this is a ‘pretend’ bong**, for aforementioned writing projects that is turning into a film project, and included a very interesting conversation with the hardware man who I was buying a piece of hose from. At 26, cutting up pieces of hose from your neighbour’s backyards is probably somewhat inappropriate. But if the kids who live behind me don’t put WD40 on that infernal swing set, not only will I steal their hose but also throw a rabid dog over their fence. Interestingly, the picture above shows a much more sophisticated bong then the pretend one we actually ended up with. Which is embarrassing.)

– scamming free tickets from Village Cinemas after I saw a mouse DANCING on my armrest during a viewing of Wall Street 2. The mouse was the most interesting thing that happened during this viewing.

– playing cards.

– helping organise my sister’s Pre-Wedding Cocktail Extravaganza, because Hen’s Nights are just nightmares in hot pink.

– and like, other stuff n shit I can’t remember.

I’m back Sophie. I promise.

 

* By saying ‘scam as much money from you as possible’, I of course mean, ‘scamming money off the lovely government who is technically paying for this wank fest of an education that I have no plans of ever paying back.’

** Research shows that you can actually get stoned from a ‘pretend’ bong, as much as you can from a real one.

Image from: grasscity.com

I’M ALIVE! and incidentally, so is the man next door

Haven’t had internet in forever because Telstra are like pigeons. Useless and makes me want to vomit.

So the other day, when I’m all stressy and gross because of my lack of internet and the fights I’m having with Telstra and racking up an astronomical phone bill, I hear what can only be the sound of a smoke alarm battery dying.

We’ve all heard it. That infernal ‘beep’ every 30 seconds that wiggles inside your head and makes you want to stick your head in an oven.

I knew it definitely wasn’t mine because I had taken the battery out when I first moved in which is probably illegal but then isn’t suicide in some cases? So this beeping was Definitely not in my house. But because I live in a stupid unit, I can hear stupid everything from my stupid neighbours. And yes, they are all stupid. And all seem to have about 100 children each.

So I spend the next 20 minutes trying to find the source of the beeping by standing outside each unit one by one, listening, and looking really dodgy.  I finally track it down to the little old man two units down who hated on my scones.

So I knock on his door and say in my best Neighbour Voice, (it’s very mature and kinda perky) ‘hi there! Sorry to bother you, but I think your smoke alarm is running out of battery! I can hear the beeping!’

Little Scone Hating Man flatly refuses to believe it’s his alarm. Even though as I’m being all perky and neirbourly I can actaully see the infernal thing flashing and beeping away on the ceiling above his head. He refuses to believe this because he is deaf and he can’t hear it.

Him: Well now, I don’t think it’s mine. I can’t hear anything.

Me: I’m fairly certain it is yours. I can see it flashing. Oh, yes, and it just beeped again.

Him: No, didn’t hear it.

Me: Lucky you!

Him: I don’t think you would be able to hear it from your house, if I can’t hear it from mine.

Me: I think you’re just going to have to trust me on this one. I can hear it. Every 30 seconds. In fact, in about 7 seconds I’m going to hear it again.

BEEP.

Then he tells me that even if it is his, there’s nothing he can do about it until Thursday when his daughter comes to visit because he is much too Old and Frail to go hunting after beeping noises.

So that’s how I ended up on a chair with a broom whacking at the damn thing trying to bring it down. After I while, I did. It fell off the ceiling and bounced on the floor, bouncing the battery out of it. Little Old Scone Hating Man stares accusingly up at me.

Him: YOU BROKE IT!

And THEN, he picks up the battery and tries to jam it back in.

And he manages to do this in such a way, I can’t get the battery out again without banging it against my knee and swearing while Scone Hater looks at me disapprovingly and starts talking about his hearing aid battery and how batteries are delicate and you shouldn’t ‘bang them about’.

But eventually, mission accomplished. Until I tell my mother this story and she gets all, ‘what if there is a fire now? and the little old man dies?’ So I explained to her it wouldn’t have made a particle of difference because clearly he wouldn’t have heard the alarm go off anyway. And it’s past Thursday now so I am telling myself the daughter arrived and re-batterised the damn thing. And I’ve just discovered I didn’t invent the word ‘re-batterised’ because when I wrote it just now, no red squiggly line came to tell me it wasn’t a real word. But it does when I just write ‘batterised.’ WHO KNEW?

Sophie’s Favourite Photo of the Day

If anyone knows what this picture is called, or where I can find a copy of it in awesome poster sized format, please let me know! Want this hanging next to another similar poster in my house!

Sophie’s Nostalgic Look in the Past of the Day

HAMA BEADS

These guys were So Fun. We kept them in empty icecream tubs. And then we discovered they made GLITTER Hama Beads! And GLOW IN THE DARK Hama Beads! Was there any end to the fun? Well, yes:

1. When you really, really, really needed just one more purple glitter bead to finish off your art piece extravaganza and you realise you’ve already ironed on the last purple glitter bead on to another art piece extravaganza. So you think just using plain purple will work. But it doesn’t. So then you accidentally on purpose destroy the other art piece extravaganza to use one of the purple glitter beads on your new art piece extravaganza but it’s all melty and not the same.

2. When you step on them.

3. When you’ve spent hours putting your beads on the board and then you accidentally knock the table and they all jump out of place.

4. When you drop your entire bucket of Hama Beads on the floor. You will be finding them for weeks.

5. When you finally finish a masterpiece and you get out the baking paper to iron it to make it all melty and stuck together and you get too excited so start peeling the baking paper off far too early and half the beads come off with the paper and the other half are still on the board.

Hama Beads ROCKED.

http://www.hamabeads.com/