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My Ladybug Response

I AM CONFUSED. And not just blonde confused, like actually confused. And also amused. Confused and Amused.

About two months ago, all of a sudden I was getting hundreds of hits a day, out of the blue. I’m thinking okay, this is weird, but I like it. What’s going on? It turns out all the hits were from people searching for ladybugs. And I mean, SEARCHING. Searching for ladybugs, picture of ladybug, ladybug on leaf, ladybug in garden, ladybug flying. Any variation of ladybug you could think of, people were searching for it.

Which led them to a post I wrote about a year ago, in which I expressed my dislike of ladybugs. You can read it here.

WELL. Talk about bringing out the hate. I think ladybugs are kinda creepy, true. I would prefer a Daddy-Long-Legs in my house (as we all know) than a ladybug. It turns out this opinion makes me a Monster who Defies God and blah blah etc etc. Though from the longs bits of Wikipedia text on the merits of ladybugs have been informative and appreciated. These people really like ladybugs. Like, LOVE ladybugs. And that, to me, is a bit creepier than the, what I thought, was a PAINFULLY tongue-in-cheek narrative on them.

But the CREEPIEST thing about all this is the following:

Why the HELL are all these people searching for blogs on ladybugs? I’m talking hundreds a day. And all of a sudden. Did a ladybug save some kid’s life in another country and it just didn’t make the news over here or something? Am now picturing a SuperHero Ladybug in a cape swooping down and saving a cherubic child from a burning building. In which case I totally understand the public obsession with them overnight.

But if that didn’t happen people… well. You’re all pretty weird. I await your outrage with anticipation and glee.

My Spider-Baby Army, or, ‘Where the New Year has made me slightly insane.’

I am still not dead. Though I appreciate my lack of postings would suggest otherwise.

Ever since the time I murdered the Daddy-Long-Legs by trying to save it’s life, I’ve become a bit ridiculous in regards to spider safety. For example, if I find a Daddy-Long-Legs in my shower, instead of trying to save it (because we all know how well THAT turned out) I now try and angle my body so the minimal amount of water spray gets on it. Which makes my shower insanely uncomfortable. I tried ‘pretending’ I didn’t see them and so if, oh well, my shower spray sent them spiralling down the drain I told myself it wasn’t my fault. BUT IT WAS.

I clearly have problems.

Just now, while going out to enjoy a summer evening cigarette*, I noticed a spider, a white one, not sure what kind, perched by my doorway. Surrounding it was a lot of little spider-babies. After my initial freak out, with the thought of them growing up and running around my house, I’ve decided I’m quite fond of them. I certainly can’t kill them. THEY’RE CHILDREN. And so one half of me hopes they grow up really quickly and leave home to seek their fortunes, while the other (and I admit, more imaginative half) has dreams of creating a Spider-Baby Army in which they obey my every whim. The picture in my head is very a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

With a bit of Aladdin thrown in. The Aladdin part is where I picture myself riding the biggest spider under a canopy, languidly** waving my arms to command my Spider-Baby Army.

It’s all pretty awesome.

* Enjoyment is a strong word, as I’m smoking the second rate Champion Ruby as the IGA in the sticks that I was forced to go to had run out of Golden Virginia. What the hell? Who smokes Golden Virginia outside of Europe apart from me?

** Languid should clearly be in the list of words to be used as often as possible.

Images from: harrypotter.wikia.com and atomicmail.com

The Mouse and The Pretend Bong

It has been so embarrassingly long since I’ve posted a Sophie update that I actually forgot for a little minute which buttons to press to actually create a new post. WOW.

So, in my defence, I have been Totes Def Busy. I’m making Other Writing Projects. And writing an Exegesis. For those of you who don’t know what an exegesis is, here is a brief yet I believe succinct explanation:

An exegesis is a 7000 word piece of wank that universities make you do so they can scam as much money from you as possible.*

I have also been doing the following:

– having crushes on boys who don’t like me back.

– re-reading all the Harry Potter’s.

– trying to remember how to make a bong from a drink bottle and a piece of hose (this is a ‘pretend’ bong**, for aforementioned writing projects that is turning into a film project, and included a very interesting conversation with the hardware man who I was buying a piece of hose from. At 26, cutting up pieces of hose from your neighbour’s backyards is probably somewhat inappropriate. But if the kids who live behind me don’t put WD40 on that infernal swing set, not only will I steal their hose but also throw a rabid dog over their fence. Interestingly, the picture above shows a much more sophisticated bong then the pretend one we actually ended up with. Which is embarrassing.)

– scamming free tickets from Village Cinemas after I saw a mouse DANCING on my armrest during a viewing of Wall Street 2. The mouse was the most interesting thing that happened during this viewing.

– playing cards.

– helping organise my sister’s Pre-Wedding Cocktail Extravaganza, because Hen’s Nights are just nightmares in hot pink.

– and like, other stuff n shit I can’t remember.

I’m back Sophie. I promise.

 

* By saying ‘scam as much money from you as possible’, I of course mean, ‘scamming money off the lovely government who is technically paying for this wank fest of an education that I have no plans of ever paying back.’

** Research shows that you can actually get stoned from a ‘pretend’ bong, as much as you can from a real one.

Image from: grasscity.com

Things I will do when I win the lottery (that’s right—When)

I am going to skip over the standard things that everyone knows they will do. Like, buy a house/car/round the world ticket/investment property/possibly or proably not pay off massive uni fees/shopping spree/beauty treatments/charity efforts.

I’m thinking more of the things you think about or dream about and you never get around to it cos it’s too expensive all at once:

1. Get all my pictures framed. Framing is insane expensive and I have lots of pretty vintage posters and artwork by my sister that needs to be totally framed. Like, I have a lot of it.

2. Get all my Very Old Books That Are Falling Apart rebound.

3. Arrange for my Dream Massage which sounds dodgy, but really means that one person massages my right foot and leg, another my left foot and leg, one each for the arms and hands, one for my neck and the last one for my head. That’s six people. SIX. Cos you know if you have a massage and you’re thinking yeah, this is really nice, I can’t wait until they get to my lower back, and then they do and the rest of you feels all neglected. Imagine my six people extravaganza. This is still sounding super dodgy.

4. Have my dream clothes especially made for me so I don’t have to shop. I don’t like shopping.

5. Complete my Sweet Valley High collection courtesy of ebay.

6. Install a secret passage in my house because I always wanted one. Having said that, I guess that could just go under ‘buy house’ because my dream house would already have a secret passage.

7. Buy all my childhood movies on DVD to install on my awesome entertainment system in previously discussed dream house.

That’s all I can think of right now that isn’t blindingly obvious. I am sure I will think of more things.

My scanner and I are going to have many happy times together. Not in a weird way though.

I’m having so much fun with my new scanner that I would be scanning my wallpaper if I had wallpaper which I don’t.

So instead I’ve scanned all the coloured plates from my favourite book in the world, The Enchanted Forest by Ida Rentoul Outhwaite. This book was given to me by my Grandma and she got when she was 5 years old in 1921. It’s an Australian fairy story and one of those things I would save if my house was on fire and I could only pick three things.*

Here are some of the very beautiful pictures for your joy and fun. Some are a bit wonky because it is very hard to scan a book that is nearly 100 years old and is one thread from falling completely apart.

So uploading those just took away about a squillion years of my life. They were very big files.

* The other two things would be a) my boat. Not an actual boat, a model of a boat that has sails and looks like it should be in the study of the professor from the Narnia books. My b) thing would probably be my bear Snowy. Who would actually be my number 1 thing. Snowy would get saved before any small children or animals, if they were unlucky enough to be in my burning inferno of a house.

Why I would have been burned as a witch in the 60s

My friend Brad just shared an amazing thing with me.

I don’t know where he got it, or what it is, or if I’m violating about one thousand copyright laws in sharing it with Sophie-Land, but it was too delicious to not.

I really think it speaks for itself:

Smoking Boy smokes his last Peter Jackson…

Below we have the last entry from Smoking Boy. I feel a little sad about it actually. I feel we’ve really come to know Smoking Boy. So here it is, adieu Smoking Boy, adieu.

Sunday 20th August 2000

Boy, it’s been ages since I’ve written and I just need to. I just finished reading over all my other entries into this book and I feel like I’m reading someone else’s personal diary.

Well, there’s been heaps happening since I’ve been back at school. Um, I’ve had the school musical, rehearsals every Tuesday & Thursday night after school until 5pm/5:30pm. Plus I’ve had to miss band for the last six weeks because we’ve been rehearsing! (Didn’t go today either.) Performances were last week – Thursday, Friday, Sautrday. They were so excellent. “Apparently” I stole the show so I’m happy about that!

Oh c’mon Smoking Boy. You know you did. Don’t even pretend to be modest with your stupid inverted commas.

School’s been great! I have missed so much class because of the show. Sam, who I’m really good friends with now, and I went & promoted it everywhere.

Linda came back to school a few weeks ago. We’re not really that good a friends at the moment & I don’t know why. She’s got a boyfriend names Shaun who she’s OBSESSED with and she doesn’t talk to me about anything. I only found out about Shaun because I hear someone else mention him. She wasn’t even gonna tell me!!

Heaps more to talk about but it’s a quarter 2 eleven so I’d better wrap it up.

But wait! THERE’S MORE!

Um, oh! Smoking.

Bahahahaha! AND THERE HE IS!

Haven’t stopped. Melanie reckons she quit although she never actually smoked. I saw her and she only puffs at it – doesn’t draw it in! I smoke “Winnie Golds” now. I like them because they’re not as harsh as PJs. I smoke openly now with everyone. What I mean by that is that everyone knows I smoke now (at school, drama, etc.).

Well, gotta get some sleep – school tomorrow.

Okay, g’night.

G’night Smoking Boy!!! Thank you for your guest appearances and the joy you have given to ex-teenagers everywhere!