Category Archives: The Teenage Years – Uncut

Teenage angst grows stale with age. Like brandy.

I have discovered a wonderful thing about being an adult. All the things you tried to desperately hide from your parents as a teenager become completely null and void and become dinner table conversation.

Like this:

Me: So when I was in year 10 and we were at Sorrento and I found a bottle of brandy in the desk so I stole it.

My mother: Really?

Me: Mmm. I took it to a party and then when my friend ran out of alcohol she said do you have anything to drink and I said, hey, yeah, I have this bottle of brandy, do you want it? and she drank it and got really sick and then her boyfriend got really mad at me that my brandy made her sick and I’m all hey she chose to drink it I have no responsibility for what happened afterwards.

My mother: Did you drink any of the brandy?

Me: Oh no. I was smoking bongs.

My mother: Oh.

Image from Salt Lake – the magazine for Utah. Which, incidentally, sounds rad.

Smoking Boy smokes his last Peter Jackson…

Below we have the last entry from Smoking Boy. I feel a little sad about it actually. I feel we’ve really come to know Smoking Boy. So here it is, adieu Smoking Boy, adieu.

Sunday 20th August 2000

Boy, it’s been ages since I’ve written and I just need to. I just finished reading over all my other entries into this book and I feel like I’m reading someone else’s personal diary.

Well, there’s been heaps happening since I’ve been back at school. Um, I’ve had the school musical, rehearsals every Tuesday & Thursday night after school until 5pm/5:30pm. Plus I’ve had to miss band for the last six weeks because we’ve been rehearsing! (Didn’t go today either.) Performances were last week – Thursday, Friday, Sautrday. They were so excellent. “Apparently” I stole the show so I’m happy about that!

Oh c’mon Smoking Boy. You know you did. Don’t even pretend to be modest with your stupid inverted commas.

School’s been great! I have missed so much class because of the show. Sam, who I’m really good friends with now, and I went & promoted it everywhere.

Linda came back to school a few weeks ago. We’re not really that good a friends at the moment & I don’t know why. She’s got a boyfriend names Shaun who she’s OBSESSED with and she doesn’t talk to me about anything. I only found out about Shaun because I hear someone else mention him. She wasn’t even gonna tell me!!

Heaps more to talk about but it’s a quarter 2 eleven so I’d better wrap it up.

But wait! THERE’S MORE!

Um, oh! Smoking.

Bahahahaha! AND THERE HE IS!

Haven’t stopped. Melanie reckons she quit although she never actually smoked. I saw her and she only puffs at it – doesn’t draw it in! I smoke “Winnie Golds” now. I like them because they’re not as harsh as PJs. I smoke openly now with everyone. What I mean by that is that everyone knows I smoke now (at school, drama, etc.).

Well, gotta get some sleep – school tomorrow.

Okay, g’night.

G’night Smoking Boy!!! Thank you for your guest appearances and the joy you have given to ex-teenagers everywhere!

Smoking Boy in a poignant moment of self-assessment

Saturday 1st July 2000

Sorry I didn’t write last night. I went straight to sleep. I was watching Steel Magnolias -> Great Movie (chick-flick).

My sister went to Horsham yesterday with Nan & a friend. Mum & I got out some videos today while Dad was at the footie with Kyle & Jack. Today I watched House on Haunted Hill (yeah, ALRIGHT movie) and Guarding Tess (yeah, ABSOLUTELY EXCELENT movie)!

Come on Smoking Boy, this is boring. Speed it up a little.

No smoking today.

And he’s back.

My lighter ran out which is pretty dodgey. I got some matches so it’s alright but I still need to get a lighter. I had no time and no place to smoke today. Mum & dad went out but I didn’t have enough time.

Time was a big deal for the smoking teen. Especially if you had very limited time before you got picked up by a parent, or said parent was coming home from a day/night out. You have to cover the lingering smell somehow. Here are some handy tips for the time pressed smoking teen to cover the tobacco flavour:

Impulse deodorant, or Lynx, is your friend. Keep it handy.

Hand washing. Use plenty of soap. Or, if you’re getting picked up by a parent from somewhere and there’s no soap available, picking a fragrant flower and rubbing the petals with your smoking hand works wonders.

The ‘jumper swap’. This is a must. If you’re getting picked up from somewhere that doesn’t have your wardrobe in the immediate vicinity, keep a freshly laundered spare jumper in your bag you can put on. If they comment on the change of attire, you can either claim spillage, or the reverse psychology tactic, which goes something like ‘yeah, Mary was smoking and made my jumper stink. It was totally gross.’ This excuse is for experienced smokers only, but is a total conversation stopper if you can pull it off.

Chewy. Tic tacs. Teeth brushing. None will work as well as the sweet smell of Blistex. Don’t eat it though. Cos it’s gross.

I feel it’s my duty to tell you though that helpful these methods may be, they are nothing against the bloodhound noses of parents. So if you still get caught, don’t blame me.

Back to Smoking Boy, in truly the most beautiful adolescent literary extract it has been my privilege to read:

My life is excellent. The following is a list of everything that is great at the moment:
•    My wardrobe – looks & feels
•    My love life – Linda = gone, out of it / looking for someone new
•    My friendships – Jack is great / Dave back as best friend
•    My family life – my sister gone for a week / no hassles from olds
•    My school life – no school at the moment
•    My bedroom – looks & feels

I have no words to express my love for the above sentences. None.

The only thing not going really well is my financial situation. I need a job or at least some money. I have to buy a new lighter and some smokes when I can.

I also need to get my band career up and running. I mean, my teacher said my technique was excellent and I was really good so now I should apply that to getting gigs and stuff.

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep. Pete said he might have smokes tomorrow – not sure – he said he might. Alrighty then –

Smoking Boy is an awesome name for a band.

The Return of Smoking Boy, laughing and sharing one Peter Jackson at a time.

The other day I was talking with my mother who remarked on the fact she hadn’t seen an update on my blog lately. Then she said, ‘I really want to know what Smoking Boy is up to’, like he was some kind of superhero. Which would be totally awesome.

So here is the latest entry from Smoking Boy, illustrated by this insanely appropriate picture I found courtesy of Google Images and Motivated Posters.

29th June 2000

Wow! The last two days have bean heaven and hell for me. I got  lighter off Dave yesterday and smoked heaps. The first morning break I had 2 PJ’s, ate a small Mars Bar and then lit up again. I had to give half away to Tom cause I couldn’t last.

Trouble is brewing for Smoking Boy. His very powers seem to be acting as a kryptonite against him.

Last night Dave stayed over and we smoked out the window. The room smelt so bad in the morning. Mum & Dad seem like they know something but I’m not sure. I think it’s just Mum being really suspicious.

No shit Smoking Boy. You smoked out a window, room smelt like smoke, Mum is suspicious. It’s a fairly linear cause and effect equation.

I felt SO sick after last night. We had approximately 20 mins sleep. Dave smoked about eight and I had four or five. He is so… grouse (for need of a better word). We have so much fun together – when we play or not.

Smoking Boy is totally getting out-smoked by his side kick Band Boy and he can’t even tell. Smoking Boy needs to sharpen up.

Melanie rang tonight and “apparently” she’s started smoking. I believe it but she has no reason to – not that I do – hee hee! It’d be great if we all go see a movie and I’ve got my own smokes. I wouldn’t have to scab off Lara or Nick. Fun!

A new Superhero in town! SMOKING GIRL! Check out Smoking Boy judging her try hard smoking efforts. Cos he’s a total smoking veteran now, and she’s trying to superhero it up on his turf and shit.

Tomorrow is the last day of band. I’m gonna miss everyone until I see them again soon. I’ll miss everything – the playing, the smoking, the talking, laughing, etc.

This is almost as fun as ‘we play, we smoke, we share…’. In fact, possibly even more fun.

Well, I suppose I should sleep ‘cause I’ve got a pretty big day tomorrow.

Well, g’night!

Goodnight Smoking Boy! Until your next rebellious teen adventure!

We play, smoke, share…

Tuesday 27th June 2000

Da da! Hellooo! So, wat’s up? They say the sky is. Hee hee hee! Funee!

‘Nother great day at band. I bought my first 2 decks today – 20 Peter JACSON (Super mild) x2. Dave is going to swap me a Longbeach 40 for one pack of PJ’s – I’m happy! He’s also giving me a lighter so I’m all set.

This is seriously like a drug swap. It’s amazing. I love the detail! Especially the apostrophe in ”nother’.

Dave is staying tomorrow night so we’ll have fun! He’s coming home with us tomorrow and then we’re driving him to band.

I love smoking! It feels great and I reckon it looks good too. Biffy doesn’t like me -> thank goodness! She’s just being a great pal. She’s a very touching & feeling sort of person.

I am dead. DEAD. This entire paragraph kills me. I just tried to quote my favourite bits but ended up writing out the entire paragraph again.

I wish I could tell Mum & Dad about the smoking thing. I just really want them to know about it so there is no confrontation later on. I know in my bones that they’ll find out. I mean Mum is so nosey she pokes around in everything. I don’t even know where to hide the decks that I got but I suppose I’ll find somewhere.

I love the feeling of being part of a group like band. We have so much fun together. We play, smoke, share and have fun together. We all like each other and respect the skills each person has.

“We play, smoke, share…” Dying some MORE. It’s like a testimonial for all adolescent experiences. It’s actually on the front cover of the brochure next to a picture of a bunch of kids with guitars and drum sticks, smoking and sharing.

Well, it’s 9:30pm (approx.)! I better get to sleep and be ready for tomorrow. G’night!

Can’t even breathe.

There is no title that will adequately describe my joy with this entry

Monday 26th June 2000

First day of band camp* and it was fun. Dave and Tim are in my group so it’s even more fun!

I’m smoking everywhere now. I need to get Nick/Lauren or maybe (probably) Dave to buy me a deck. I smoke at band & when I’m with school friends (i.e. Nick & Lauren). So much fun.

I feel that Biffy likes me. I don’t know why but I get the feeling she does. She’s cool but I wouldn’t go out with her.

I AM SHATTERED. Who WOULDN’T go out with me? … yeah, no one needs to comment an answer to that.

I wish I could smoke openly but…. Too young. It’s all I think about now-a-days. Am I addicted? Think about this point.

I figure… what’s the use with loving Linda! I mean it’s obvious she’ll never like me so I think I’ll just get on with life. Maybe Melanie is the way to go. I mean – Jane told me she liked me. Maybe!

I’ve stopped feeling sorry for me and have now started feeling sorry for Melanie.

It’s 8:08pm and I’m just going to have some cornflakes and a tumbler of milk and then go to sleep. I need it for tomorrow. I’m working an hour each morning at Dad’s work.

I need a smoke! If Mum & Dad found out I’d discuss it rationally.** I’d sit down (they’d both be having hissy fits!) and I’d tell them that they have no actual way of stopping me & “at least I’m not drugs”!

Well, I better go to sleep. G’night!

* Hee hee! Band Camp! I changed this just for the fun.

** There is no such thing as a rational teenager.

Where o where is Linda? O fickle youth!

Friday 23rd June 2000

Hello! Hello! It’s 11:45pm and Josh is here. We have just been to the band break up thingy – heaps of fun! The bands were great and it was pretty loud music. Heaps of moshing!

Smoking is the best! I love it sssooooooo much. I did it with Pete Bannen, Nick (some dude), Shane & Mary. Heaps & heaps of fun. Don’t know why I like doing it but the feeling it gives me is great – fun, fun, fun. If Dad finds out about it I’ll just tell him that he did it.


I had to get clarification on the smoking here. Like, dude, were you talking about weed here? You’re oddly obsessed. No. Just good ol’ cigarettes. I remember the days when smoking was such an Event. It was very, okay, so we’ll meet at lunchtime behind Mobil, right? and you bring the pack and I’ll bring the lighter. And tell Natasha cos I think she wants to come. Don’t tell Hannah though cos I’m full cut at her at the mo.

We were so organised and sneaky!

Our Teenage Years Vol. II from our Special Guest Writer

Monday 12th June 2000

Bored! It’s 11:28pm and I’m BORED! Listening to cat Stevens and trying to sleep – too bad me!

I’m doing a play at school. It’s pretty good. I just need to learn my lines more betterer. I get to stand in a cardboard box thing with a lapel mike – heaps of fun!

Science Exam tomorrow from 11:15 until 1:30. Should be fun…. I “stuidied” a little . Got a Maths Exam on Wednesday, I think it’s approx. same times. Ha! Fun, fun, fun!

Mission Impossible was an alright movie. No storyline to it and very predictable but heaps of great action. Was alright and I went with Fred, Roger & Jane. Linda was in trouble with olds and wouldn’t come.

I’ve decided against gothic. It’s too boring now and people have put it down too much. Sick of people – especially my family!

I really need to be able to talk to someone about everything but there is no one that I’m able to talk to. I need Linda and I to go out out together more often – like friends. I love her so much.

That’s enough writing for tonight. I’ll write soon. G’night you wonderful thing (though not as wonderful as Linda)! Gotta go sleep – g’night!

Gothic lasted four days. FOUR.DAYS. No wonder no one takes teenagers seriously. BECAUSE WE WERE STUPID!

The Teenage Years—a Guest Entry

I am very pleased to announce that we have a GUEST ENTRY to our The Days of Our Adolescent Angst feature.

This diary entry was donated by an anonymous source. I hope it will give you the pleasure it gave me when I read it. My face still hurts from laughing.

Thursday 8th June 2000

Exams! 1st exams were English and Geography. Horrible and I don’t want to discuss.

My mother is a bitch. Yesterday she decided that my eye make-up was too much and “guys don’t wear it”. What the hell would she know. I do it because I want to and because I think it looks good. So many people have complimented it and the teachers haven’t said anything. Figgin’ hell! This morning she said she isn’t going to drive me to school with it on -> Bitch!

I can’t stand it!

Kate’s anger problem is pissing me off. She can’t have a normal conversation without chucking a spaz. Retard! She is so fucked in the head.

Going to see MI:2 2morrow. Seeing it with Roger, Pete, maybe Fred, Linda & Jane. It should be, from what I’ve seen, a pretty damn good movie.

I love Linda. I know it’s a lost cause but what can I do? Hmm? Nothing! If she chooses not to allow anything to happen, will, that’s fine by me. I think she knows I’ll be faithful to her always. I wish she would just go out with me!

I’m going gothic. I’ve decided once and for all to begin to find out about it. I love the feeling of power it gives me over people.

Enough for tonight – gotta go to sleep! G’night!

There are so many things I want to embrace from this I can’t list them. I’m sure you all know what they are.

We will be having more guest entries from our anonymous source soon. If YOU would like to be a guest blogger on Sophie Was a Dog with examples of your angst ridden teenage years, please go to the contact page I’m about to add and email me at the email I’m about to create.

My Teenage Years, Vol. III—New Years Eve

The summer holidays between Years 9 and 10 are always fraught with fun aren’t they? Below we have the New Year’s experience. I was 15.

1 January, 1999

So last night was New Years and I kissed this guy Sam, who I first thought was cute but he turned into a dickhead when I was totally stoned high on coca cola*.

So I ran away from him. He was shit anyway.

Later I was looking after Jack who was chucking in the bushes. I missed the countdown because he was lying on my legs passed out.

He knew I totally wanted to kiss him on the countdown but he told me before he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Then when he woke up and he was still lying on my legs he told me that if he wasn’t feeling so shit he would definitely be with me. I am so in love with him.

It’s was pretty good party though.

I am speechless.

* I may have taken some artistic licence with this line.

My Teenage Years, Vol. II

Due to popular demand, here is another excerpt from one of my adolescent diaries. And when I say ‘popular demand’, I mean people keep telling me they want to laugh at me more.

Below is an entry I wrote on my first day of Year 11. It’s titled: ‘I am 16 and I have issues and the world judges me and fuck off while I listen to a bit more Hole and wear hoodies and too much eyeliner’.

Wednesday 2 February 2000


I’m sitting here way too early for school but extremely comfortable, listening to my walkman*, and the only person here is Kate Wood, who everyone hates but me. I just find her slightly annoying… and here she comes to annoy me. I HATE PEOPLE SITTING NEXT TO ME! God I hate pretending I want to spend time with people when I just want to be ALONE! I’m just not going to talk to anyone this year. Hopefully this’ll stop really annoying people talking to me when I couldn’t care less if they flung themselves into oncoming traffic.

It’s now 8.28am and I’m sort of wishing someone else would come because I don’t want to talk to Kate because she smiles too much.

Am I serious? Am. I. Serious? That’s the end. Clearly I was a tortured soul. Was the term ’emo’ coined because someone met me at this very moment? I’m pretty sure the term ‘utter idiot’ was.

*Walkmans rock.

My Year 10 Diary—A Literary Triumph

In the spirit of my childhood I have been rereading my Year 10 diary. I thought it would be funny to share some paragraphs on this blog until I got to, oh I don’t know, perhaps the fifth word of said diary and realised it would not be funny, it would just be plain humiliating. However, I would like to share some examples of how I spoke in my adolescent years:

I looked so fez today.

FEZ! That meant feral. Which meant ugly. Which meant I was an utter loser for saying something so stupid.

I can’t believe she got with him. He gets with everyone.

This means ‘made out’ or ‘kissed’. Of course it does.

Bec got full cut at me.

Am I kidding? Am. I. Kidding. ‘Full cut’? This, I remember, means ‘cross.’ Bec was ‘cross’ with me today. Let’s see what I did to make her full cut at me… oh I see:

Today was a pretty bad day cos Bec got full cut at me at lunch. See, J was wearing chopsticks in her hair and Bec does that so Bec got fully cut at J b/c she thought she was copying her and then I tried to reason things out so Bec being Bec got shitty at me and ignored me at lunch.

O, THE DRAMAS! I can’t read anymore.