Category Archives: Sweet Valley High Cover Art

Sweet Valley High Cover Art Interpretation Vol. III

Generic Sweet Valley High Student: O! Why am I so lonely / troubled / Asian? My LIFE IS SO HARD.

Elizabeth: It’s okay Loser-Student. Just because you’re not blonde, size 6 and live in a split level home with a Spanish tiled kitchen, doesn’t mean you can’t be a useful and contributing member of Sweet Valley!

GSVHS: Elizabeth, you’re so easy to talk to. Even though we never spoke before this book and never will again, can I tell you all about my life as a brunette with divorced parents?

Elizabeth: Wow. No wonder you’re upset. Of course you can talk to me. Wait, let me put my hand on your shoulder. Okay. I’m ready.

GSVHS: It all started when I had no friends / my boyfriend broke up with me / when I was Asian. Because I come from a broken home / am single / am not blonde / am not white, my life is falling apart. Sigh.

Elizabeth: Gosh. That’s pretty serious stuff GSVHS. But you know, sometimes I find writing a poem helps me when I’m feeling down. Or going for a walk on the beach.

GSVHS: O Elizabeth. I feel so much better talking to you!

Elizabeth: Great! We should celebrate at Lila’s next big bash!

GSVHS: Oh that’s okay. All my problems will be fixed in about 30 pages. Then you’ll never hear from me again.

Elizabeth: I’m glad we could be BFF’s for one book though.

GSVHS: Your shouder touching really helped. And the pleasing aesthetic of your barrettes matching your polo shirt.

WHAT THESE BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY ABOUT:

Pretty much everything that is written above.

Images from The Closet.

Sweet Valley High Cover Art Interpretation Vol. II

Jessica: How dare you say that about me Lila! I’m gonna slap you! See how my hands are on my hips and I am jutting my jaw out that is so sharp it could cut you up? This is a prime pre-slapping stance.

Lila: I’m sorry Jess. But it’s true. You have Lego Man hair. Even though it’s like, long and wavy and shit, it’s totes Lego Man.

Jessica: Your hair is stupid.

Lila: My hair is beautiful except for this weird bit coming out of the side of my head. I don’t know what’s up with that.

Jessica: I don’t know what’s up with your face.

Lila: Shut up. You know you really should have worn a bra today.

Jessica: Shh! I wasn’t expecting to be drawn with breasts on this cover. Its never happened before. Everyone knows that the population of Sweet Valley was bred without anything that can be mistaken as ‘naughty parts’.

Lila: Then why have you undone all of your buttons? You’re such a skank.

Jessica: You’re jumper looks like it’s from the Salvo bin.

Lila: You’re out of the Salvo bin.

Jessica: You’re gonna get so cut up by my jaw in a minute.

WHAT THIS BOOK IS ACTUALLY ABOUT:

More then she bargained for…

When Lila Fowler’s mysterious new boyfriend finally appears at her pool party, Jessica Wakefield is dazzled. Jack is handsome, sexy and exciting—even more perfect then Lila described him. So Jessica wastes no time making sure he notices her, too.

Unknown to Lila, Jack dates both girls—Jessica during the week and Lila on weekends. But the sight of Lila’s happy face on Monday mornings is more then Jessica can stand! Jessica’s twin sister, Elizabeth, warns her to drop Jack before she really gets hurt. But Jessica would rather get Lila out of the picture. Then Jack will be hers—all hers.

BOM BOM BOM!!!

It sounds like Jessica is going to bump Lila off. But NO! It’s Jack who’s the crazy serial killer! SURPRISE!!!!! Luckily Jessica gets saved from knife wielding Jack at the last second by the boring twin. And Lila and Jessica laugh at how silly they were fighting over some boy. Vomit.

Image from: The Closet.

Sweet Valley High Cover Art Interpretation Vol. I

In which we explore the cover art of #4 Power Play and what we think it might represent.

Three words: Twin. Sister. Porn. Obviously Jessica and Elizabeth are about to make out. There also may be a little bit of stimulated rape going on because Jessica looks slightly apprehensive. Although everyone knows that Jessica is all tease and no tickle so maybe it’s real rape and this is something she’s truly not on board with.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, is clearly going in for the kill. She’s awfully pouty.

Of course, another interpretation of this cover is that Elizabeth wants to spit on Jessica for her appalling feathered fringe and flannelette combo, but I doubt it.

WHAT THIS BOOK IS ACTUALLY ABOUT:

Elizabeth and Jessica in a tug of war…

Chubby Robin Wilson has been following Jessica around for months. First she wanted to be her friend—now she wants to join Pi Beta Alpha, Sweet Valley High’s snobby sorority.

When Elizabeth, Jessica’s twin, nominates Robin for the sorority, Jessica is furious. Robin may be friendly and smart, but she’s certainly not beautiful or popular enough to be a Pi Beta. Jessica’s determined to find a way to keep Robin out.

But Elizabeth is just as determined to make Robin a sorority sister. Soon the twins are locked in a struggle that develops into the biggest power play at Sweet Valley High…

Okay, sororities back up the first interpretation, otherwise it’s evidently a different book from what the cover suggests.

I would like to point out that Robin goes on to lose about 100kgs in about, oh I don’t know, three days, and becomes popular. Ah Francine, giving the fatties the message they so clearly need. Or not.

Image from 90’s Flashback.