Generic Sweet Valley High Student: O! Why am I so lonely / troubled / Asian? My LIFE IS SO HARD.
Elizabeth: It’s okay Loser-Student. Just because you’re not blonde, size 6 and live in a split level home with a Spanish tiled kitchen, doesn’t mean you can’t be a useful and contributing member of Sweet Valley!
GSVHS: Elizabeth, you’re so easy to talk to. Even though we never spoke before this book and never will again, can I tell you all about my life as a brunette with divorced parents?
Elizabeth: Wow. No wonder you’re upset. Of course you can talk to me. Wait, let me put my hand on your shoulder. Okay. I’m ready.
GSVHS: It all started when I had no friends / my boyfriend broke up with me / when I was Asian. Because I come from a broken home / am single / am not blonde / am not white, my life is falling apart. Sigh.
Elizabeth: Gosh. That’s pretty serious stuff GSVHS. But you know, sometimes I find writing a poem helps me when I’m feeling down. Or going for a walk on the beach.
GSVHS: O Elizabeth. I feel so much better talking to you!
Elizabeth: Great! We should celebrate at Lila’s next big bash!
GSVHS: Oh that’s okay. All my problems will be fixed in about 30 pages. Then you’ll never hear from me again.
Elizabeth: I’m glad we could be BFF’s for one book though.
GSVHS: Your shouder touching really helped. And the pleasing aesthetic of your barrettes matching your polo shirt.
WHAT THESE BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY ABOUT:
Pretty much everything that is written above.
Images from The Closet.