The other day I went to jump into the shower (note: who the hell ‘jumps’ into the shower? Don’t we all just step in? If you actually are a jumper, please let me know) and I see a Daddy Long Legs on the shower wall.
I’m a bit of a fan of a Daddy Long Legs. I’m not a Spider-Lover by any means, but I am certainly not a Spider-Hater. I’m a Saver not a Squisher. But I quite like the Daddy Long Legs because I think for a spider they’re pretty dignified. They never scuttle. They’re always pretty slow and chilled out and if a Daddy Long Legs was a person, I think he would be like an old man with a 25 year old scotch, smoking a pipe.
So I’m in the shower and I see him and I’m like, whoa little Spider-Buddy, you are gonna DROWN if you stay there! So I get out of the shower, wrap a towel around myself, find a glass, find a postcard (well actually it was just a bit of cardboard. The postcard sending days are really dying. Let’s just call it a postcard and pretend) and proceed to save Mr Spider.
This involves the tricky process of sliding the postcard under the glass which is usually okay for all other spiders but a Daddy Long Legs has really long legs and it’s really tricky to get them all under the glass and over the postcard without amputating a leg especially cos they’re so thin and you’re struggling with keeping your towel up.
But finally he’s in the glass and I take him outside (fully aware that my towel is now practically completely off and a hell of a lot of my neighbours can see into my back garden) and I sit him on the table with the sunshine pouring down and I’m all go go Daddy Long Legs go! Go and commune with nature or whatever.
I go back. I have my shower.
Afterwards, this time dressed, I wander outside for my post shower cigarette and I see Mr Spider still in his glass. Suspiciously still. Still as in not moving, not still as in he is still there. Although that would be correct also because he was still there.
So I shake the glass veeeeery gently to see if he’s okay.
He is not okay. Mr Spider Daddy Long Legs is dead. Dead. D.E.A.D. It could have been the sunshine, could have been that he was very, very old and he was about to die anyway but somehow I doubt it. I, trying to save Mr Spider Daddy Long Legs his very life, had killed him with the utter shock of my Relocation Program.
I am shattered.