Marijuana Movie Madness Vol I – Labyrinth (starring the delectable David Bowie)

Last night, while very stoned, I decided to write notes while watching the awesome 80s cinematic triumph, Labyrinth. I would like to share these notes with you.

David Bowie is fucking awesome. This is a movie. I mean his movie.

This owl.

Now, it’s either fake rain, or really well timed rain. Did they have technology in 1982?

The background of her house looks like a slum. SINCE WHEN!?

WTF, I had a dream about a dancing girl like a SECOND AGO. Like a few days ago or something.

2nd beanie shot is SO in fashion.

Wow, they KNEW she was going to wish. How did they KNOW.

Toby stopping crying and the scene following is in the top 10 terrifying moments of cinematic history.

AS IF THIS IS RATED G!?

Nice vest Sarah.

The maze has the same consistency as the cookie in Honey I Shrunk the Kids! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

That fairy is so pretty.

The fairies aren’t evil! They’re insects!

Sarah says her name so fucking retardedly.

Shut up Sarah you fucking retard.

OMG! Wtf eyes on stalks that sound like the aliens from Toy Story!

I like the first leg of the labyrinth, before she finds the corners and the worm. The snaily twig bits with moss.

Nic says why doesn’t she climb the wall. Yeah! Why doesn’t she just climb the wall!? Is she fucking joking? YOU’RE RETARDED SARAH!

THE.WORM.

Why do you still love the worm, even though he sends her the wrong way?

Bowie’s riding crop. Jesus. THIS IS SO AMAZING.

Nic: His haircut is off the charts.

His skipping!

Do you think they tested heaps of colours of lipstick to see which showed up the best?

Toby is smiling! He’s going to the other side! He’s getting that I love my kidnapper syndrome! Like that Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanston movie. Where did she go??

This is so fucking clever. The door guys with the lies. I never worked out Sarah’s questions logic. That wasn’t quick maths.

WHY WOULD YOU GO DOWN!?

She hasn’t even got that far David. It’s like she’s been in there 10 minutes. Calm down Goblin King.

This Hoggle is an obsecenely well designed puppet. I can emote with this puppet!

This scene is like Return to Oz! Is this scene in Return to Oz? I swear it is. The exact same scene but with Dorothy in it.

Brilliant delivery David!

AMAZING jacket worn by Bowie.

Deliberately unlikeable characters. Fascinating for a children’t movie. Wouldn’t happen now.

Since when were the goblins Spanish?

Why is Ludo so retarded? His fur is a nice colour though. Oooh, I get it. It’s like Ludo has asbergers, but a friendly asbergers person. Like a really cute Down Syndrome kid.

One of the doorknobs looks like my Grandmother.

Omg, Ludo is actually so cute, his face is like a kitten’s.

Snow globes are so fucking weird.

These red goblins are a childhood breakdown waiting to happen. Are you joking Jim Henson? How are 80s kids all not seriel killers after watching this movie?

THIS SCENE IS FUCKED.

He can calling fucking rocks. Are you joking?

Out of all the dogs, why the paint dog? The dog in the ads about paint.

How good is being a fox and riding a dog around.

What the fuck is with the peach. She is TRIPPING.

What is actually going on in this insanely weird scene? He roofied her brain. This is mental rape. What the hell scriptwriters!?

You are SO HIGH Sarah.

What has happened to the plot?

Maybe the dog died.

That’s a fake dog. The dog must have died.

The pilot in the transformer looks like an ewok.

Hoggle just sounded like Luke Skywalker.

No seriously. The goblins are Spanish.

Those goblins are dressed like Mongolians. Whhhhhy, do they have a machine gun?

The fox is still riding the dog. It’s so good.

The dog has SO died. It was real before.

David Bowie on the stairs looks like Judge Doom when he gets steamrolled in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. What the fuck.

Toby is the Trainspotting baby.

Sarah sure floats a lot in this movie.

BELTING OUT THAT OUTFIT DAVID!

Why are goblins at the end of the movie party? They were at WAR.

This is the best movie EVER.

~ Fin ~

Image from: http://walrussinclair.blogspot.com/2011/07/labyrinth-david-bowie.html

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For Stanley

Stanley is a stranger, but I bet he is rad. Anyway, Stanley commented on a Sophie post, admitting he found Sophie after searching for ladybugs. But he explained WHY he was searching for ladybugs, so that’s why this post is dedicated to him.

Now, I am going to offer a PRIZE to anyone who can explain to me why people are so obsessed with ladybugs as seen in the below screenshot of search terms people type in that leads them to this blog.

Or you could just tell me why YOU are searching for ladybugs. I would appreciate it.

And for first time visitors: this blog, ASTONISHINGLY, is not actually about ladybugs.

People also clearly like red heads. Of which I am now again.

I don’t think that was entirely grammatically correct. “Of which I am… something something.” I was trying to say my hair is red again. I feel more like me. Which is weird. Because in real life I’m blonde.

I also want to know the life story of the person who searched for ‘Get off bitch I’m doing science”. Cos that person would have an awesome life story.

Unicorns VS Spam in a fight for World Domination

I just tried to reply to a Spam email for fun, but Yahoo wouldn’t let me, so here is an open email to all spammy people. (When I wrote ‘spammy’ it just autocorrected to ‘spumy’. That’s fucking awesome. What the fuck is a ‘spumy’?!)

From: Jorge Alberto Betancourt Delgadillo <zeratul95@hotmail.com>

Dear friend:
I am sorry to disturb you!
We are a big Retail and wholesale company who mainly sell electrical products,We can supply best service and reasonable price with high quality. To celebrate the coming of Christmas, thanks to new and existing customers for their support and love!
company will  organize large-scale Discount activity!
All registered users can enjoy VIP price.
All the goods price provide VIP price for you!
Come on Friends, choose your favorite!  selected products into gift for your family, your friends, your Beloved people!
There are a lot of surprises! We would like to give a surprise to you and your friends!
Do not waiting!  Contact Us!  Just do it!
Note: limited number , limited time
web site: www. Xmasdiscounting.com
Take good care of yourself.^o^..

My reply:

Dear Jorge

Thanks for your email about electrical products. As you mentioned the ‘coming of Christmas’, I can only assume that one of your electrical products is a time machine. I’m pretty excited about this, as I have always wanted a time machine.

Are you able to tell me exactly what models you have in stock, and how much they are with the Christmas discount? I’m particularly interested in London during the Georgian era, so don’t worry about models that only have a 100-year limit each way in time.

Thanks so much in advance, and I hope you enjoy this picture of a unicorn that I have attached.

Regards

I don’t give a shit about your fucking electrical products. xox

PS: Please note that I do not actually own this picture of a unicorn. I Googled-Imaged it.

PPS: I chose this picture as it reminded me of a My Little Pony, and I love My Little Ponies.

Sophie hearts Jenny

When Sophie grows up, she is going to turn into this blog*:

http://thebloggess.com/

It’s so hard when someone is kinda you, but like, better and so much more awesome. She even outswears me. That’s amazing.

* I realise this is kinda like being a pushy stage parent. Or you know, one of those mothers who emotionally bullies their kids into studying something kill yourself boring like accounting. But then I also realise I’m talking about my blog, not a child, and I could actually stop being so fucking weird.

Quote of the Day

Mum and I were looking at printers.

Printer man: This one can scan negatives.

Mum: Oh, she’s too young to know about negatives.

Me: Mum, I was born in ’83, not ’93. I used to keep my weed in an empty film canister.

Mum: Oh.

My Ladybug Response

I AM CONFUSED. And not just blonde confused, like actually confused. And also amused. Confused and Amused.

About two months ago, all of a sudden I was getting hundreds of hits a day, out of the blue. I’m thinking okay, this is weird, but I like it. What’s going on? It turns out all the hits were from people searching for ladybugs. And I mean, SEARCHING. Searching for ladybugs, picture of ladybug, ladybug on leaf, ladybug in garden, ladybug flying. Any variation of ladybug you could think of, people were searching for it.

Which led them to a post I wrote about a year ago, in which I expressed my dislike of ladybugs. You can read it here.

WELL. Talk about bringing out the hate. I think ladybugs are kinda creepy, true. I would prefer a Daddy-Long-Legs in my house (as we all know) than a ladybug. It turns out this opinion makes me a Monster who Defies God and blah blah etc etc. Though from the longs bits of Wikipedia text on the merits of ladybugs have been informative and appreciated. These people really like ladybugs. Like, LOVE ladybugs. And that, to me, is a bit creepier than the, what I thought, was a PAINFULLY tongue-in-cheek narrative on them.

But the CREEPIEST thing about all this is the following:

Why the HELL are all these people searching for blogs on ladybugs? I’m talking hundreds a day. And all of a sudden. Did a ladybug save some kid’s life in another country and it just didn’t make the news over here or something? Am now picturing a SuperHero Ladybug in a cape swooping down and saving a cherubic child from a burning building. In which case I totally understand the public obsession with them overnight.

But if that didn’t happen people… well. You’re all pretty weird. I await your outrage with anticipation and glee.

My Spider-Baby Army, or, ‘Where the New Year has made me slightly insane.’

I am still not dead. Though I appreciate my lack of postings would suggest otherwise.

Ever since the time I murdered the Daddy-Long-Legs by trying to save it’s life, I’ve become a bit ridiculous in regards to spider safety. For example, if I find a Daddy-Long-Legs in my shower, instead of trying to save it (because we all know how well THAT turned out) I now try and angle my body so the minimal amount of water spray gets on it. Which makes my shower insanely uncomfortable. I tried ‘pretending’ I didn’t see them and so if, oh well, my shower spray sent them spiralling down the drain I told myself it wasn’t my fault. BUT IT WAS.

I clearly have problems.

Just now, while going out to enjoy a summer evening cigarette*, I noticed a spider, a white one, not sure what kind, perched by my doorway. Surrounding it was a lot of little spider-babies. After my initial freak out, with the thought of them growing up and running around my house, I’ve decided I’m quite fond of them. I certainly can’t kill them. THEY’RE CHILDREN. And so one half of me hopes they grow up really quickly and leave home to seek their fortunes, while the other (and I admit, more imaginative half) has dreams of creating a Spider-Baby Army in which they obey my every whim. The picture in my head is very a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

With a bit of Aladdin thrown in. The Aladdin part is where I picture myself riding the biggest spider under a canopy, languidly** waving my arms to command my Spider-Baby Army.

It’s all pretty awesome.

* Enjoyment is a strong word, as I’m smoking the second rate Champion Ruby as the IGA in the sticks that I was forced to go to had run out of Golden Virginia. What the hell? Who smokes Golden Virginia outside of Europe apart from me?

** Languid should clearly be in the list of words to be used as often as possible.

Images from: harrypotter.wikia.com and atomicmail.com