Why Anxiety Is Funny

*Contains Fight Club spoilers*

Do you know what has the potential to be hilarious? Anxiety. NO.SERIOUSLY.

How is this. A little while ago I watched Fight Club for the first time and I got really excited about the parallels between Edward Norton and myself, and then when I got to the twist at the end my excitement turned to paranoia and I started thinking about all the people in my life I may have imagined. Then I realized that was fucking ridiculous and what was worse was the fact I saw similarities between Edward Norton and myself before I knew the twist was coming.

The point of my story is, that I have massive anxiety when it comes to myself and different relationships I have with people and it gets funny. When I say relationships I clearly don’t mean romantic ones because I’m actually a bit retarded in that way, and I never have romantic relationships that last past me having an internal debate in my head about whether I would be willing to convert to Judaism for the guy I just met who is already talking to someone else. I mean friendships and professional relationships and basic person to person interaction when it lasts longer than a fleeting hello.

I’m actually really good on first impressions, but it’s like I think I waste all of my good bits in the first meeting and all of a sudden I’m seeing this person again in a different situation and substance is expected and I think SHIT WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE ANY and then I  panic and turn into this horrid caricature of my high school self and bounce between being witheringly sarcastic and mean to determinedly cheerful with the front of ‘I’m Having A Perfectly Lovely And Very Busy And Important Time Without You!’

I’m getting to why this is hilarious I swear.

What is amazing is why this is incredibly helpful to me. As a writer, I write what I know, and so I end up pumping out these great, self deprecating yet arrogant characters that are all different versions of myself. And what is terrifying in real life is beautiful on screen. Just look at 30 Rock. And so I have this endless inspiration for horribly unlikeable, flawed heroes that are endearing once they’re watched, or read. It’s very comforting.

Many creative people have their demons, and feel insecure, anxious, depressed. But think about what it does for your work, and ask yourself if you would be a great creative artist without that Insane streak in you. There are times when I want to take my insecurities and anxiety out to an abandoned ship yard where I would brutally kill them with a knife I’ve named Jennifer. But I know I wouldn’t be able to write the flawed, withering characters I do if I did.

So embrace your crap! It makes a better artist out of you!

Marijuana Movie Madness Vol I – Labyrinth (starring the delectable David Bowie)

Last night, while very stoned, I decided to write notes while watching the awesome 80s cinematic triumph, Labyrinth. I would like to share these notes with you.

David Bowie is fucking awesome. This is a movie. I mean his movie.

This owl.

Now, it’s either fake rain, or really well timed rain. Did they have technology in 1982?

The background of her house looks like a slum. SINCE WHEN!?

WTF, I had a dream about a dancing girl like a SECOND AGO. Like a few days ago or something.

2nd beanie shot is SO in fashion.

Wow, they KNEW she was going to wish. How did they KNOW.

Toby stopping crying and the scene following is in the top 10 terrifying moments of cinematic history.

AS IF THIS IS RATED G!?

Nice vest Sarah.

The maze has the same consistency as the cookie in Honey I Shrunk the Kids! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

That fairy is so pretty.

The fairies aren’t evil! They’re insects!

Sarah says her name so fucking retardedly.

Shut up Sarah you fucking retard.

OMG! Wtf eyes on stalks that sound like the aliens from Toy Story!

I like the first leg of the labyrinth, before she finds the corners and the worm. The snaily twig bits with moss.

Nic says why doesn’t she climb the wall. Yeah! Why doesn’t she just climb the wall!? Is she fucking joking? YOU’RE RETARDED SARAH!

THE.WORM.

Why do you still love the worm, even though he sends her the wrong way?

Bowie’s riding crop. Jesus. THIS IS SO AMAZING.

Nic: His haircut is off the charts.

His skipping!

Do you think they tested heaps of colours of lipstick to see which showed up the best?

Toby is smiling! He’s going to the other side! He’s getting that I love my kidnapper syndrome! Like that Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanston movie. Where did she go??

This is so fucking clever. The door guys with the lies. I never worked out Sarah’s questions logic. That wasn’t quick maths.

WHY WOULD YOU GO DOWN!?

She hasn’t even got that far David. It’s like she’s been in there 10 minutes. Calm down Goblin King.

This Hoggle is an obsecenely well designed puppet. I can emote with this puppet!

This scene is like Return to Oz! Is this scene in Return to Oz? I swear it is. The exact same scene but with Dorothy in it.

Brilliant delivery David!

AMAZING jacket worn by Bowie.

Deliberately unlikeable characters. Fascinating for a children’t movie. Wouldn’t happen now.

Since when were the goblins Spanish?

Why is Ludo so retarded? His fur is a nice colour though. Oooh, I get it. It’s like Ludo has asbergers, but a friendly asbergers person. Like a really cute Down Syndrome kid.

One of the doorknobs looks like my Grandmother.

Omg, Ludo is actually so cute, his face is like a kitten’s.

Snow globes are so fucking weird.

These red goblins are a childhood breakdown waiting to happen. Are you joking Jim Henson? How are 80s kids all not seriel killers after watching this movie?

THIS SCENE IS FUCKED.

He can calling fucking rocks. Are you joking?

Out of all the dogs, why the paint dog? The dog in the ads about paint.

How good is being a fox and riding a dog around.

What the fuck is with the peach. She is TRIPPING.

What is actually going on in this insanely weird scene? He roofied her brain. This is mental rape. What the hell scriptwriters!?

You are SO HIGH Sarah.

What has happened to the plot?

Maybe the dog died.

That’s a fake dog. The dog must have died.

The pilot in the transformer looks like an ewok.

Hoggle just sounded like Luke Skywalker.

No seriously. The goblins are Spanish.

Those goblins are dressed like Mongolians. Whhhhhy, do they have a machine gun?

The fox is still riding the dog. It’s so good.

The dog has SO died. It was real before.

David Bowie on the stairs looks like Judge Doom when he gets steamrolled in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. What the fuck.

Toby is the Trainspotting baby.

Sarah sure floats a lot in this movie.

BELTING OUT THAT OUTFIT DAVID!

Why are goblins at the end of the movie party? They were at WAR.

This is the best movie EVER.

~ Fin ~

Image from: http://walrussinclair.blogspot.com/2011/07/labyrinth-david-bowie.html

I was just high for a little while

So I haven’t been around because you know, I was busy being awesome with other shit and I couldn’t be bothered trying to be clever and whimisical at the same time like a Frankie magazine.

Anyway, I’ve invented a new thing that I’m going to start cataloguing here. I like to call it: Watching Movies While Stoned And Writing Notes About What I’m Watching. I’d like to think that I can come up with a better title than this but we’ll see. So read on to the next post, and see what I’ve come up with.

For Stanley

Stanley is a stranger, but I bet he is rad. Anyway, Stanley commented on a Sophie post, admitting he found Sophie after searching for ladybugs. But he explained WHY he was searching for ladybugs, so that’s why this post is dedicated to him.

Now, I am going to offer a PRIZE to anyone who can explain to me why people are so obsessed with ladybugs as seen in the below screenshot of search terms people type in that leads them to this blog.

Or you could just tell me why YOU are searching for ladybugs. I would appreciate it.

And for first time visitors: this blog, ASTONISHINGLY, is not actually about ladybugs.

People also clearly like red heads. Of which I am now again.

…

I don’t think that was entirely grammatically correct. “Of which I am… something something.” I was trying to say my hair is red again. I feel more like me. Which is weird. Because in real life I’m blonde.

I also want to know the life story of the person who searched for ‘Get off bitch I’m doing science”. Cos that person would have an awesome life story.

Unicorns VS Spam in a fight for World Domination

I just tried to reply to a Spam email for fun, but Yahoo wouldn’t let me, so here is an open email to all spammy people. (When I wrote ‘spammy’ it just autocorrected to ‘spumy’. That’s fucking awesome. What the fuck is a ‘spumy’?!)

From: Jorge Alberto Betancourt Delgadillo <zeratul95@hotmail.com>

Dear friend:
I am sorry to disturb you!
We are a big Retail and wholesale company who mainly sell electrical products,We can supply best service and reasonable price with high quality. To celebrate the coming of Christmas, thanks to new and existing customers for their support and love!
company will  organize large-scale Discount activity!
All registered users can enjoy VIP price.
All the goods price provide VIP price for you!
Come on Friends, choose your favorite!  selected products into gift for your family, your friends, your Beloved people!
There are a lot of surprises! We would like to give a surprise to you and your friends!
Do not waiting!  Contact Us!  Just do it!
Note: limited number , limited time
web site: www. Xmasdiscounting.com
Take good care of yourself.^o^..

My reply:

Dear Jorge

Thanks for your email about electrical products. As you mentioned the ‘coming of Christmas’, I can only assume that one of your electrical products is a time machine. I’m pretty excited about this, as I have always wanted a time machine.

Are you able to tell me exactly what models you have in stock, and how much they are with the Christmas discount? I’m particularly interested in London during the Georgian era, so don’t worry about models that only have a 100-year limit each way in time.

Thanks so much in advance, and I hope you enjoy this picture of a unicorn that I have attached.

Regards

I don’t give a shit about your fucking electrical products. xox

PS: Please note that I do not actually own this picture of a unicorn. I Googled-Imaged it.

PPS: I chose this picture as it reminded me of a My Little Pony, and I love My Little Ponies.

Sophie hearts Jenny

When Sophie grows up, she is going to turn into this blog*:

http://thebloggess.com/

It’s so hard when someone is kinda you, but like, better and so much more awesome. She even outswears me. That’s amazing.

* I realise this is kinda like being a pushy stage parent. Or you know, one of those mothers who emotionally bullies their kids into studying something kill yourself boring like accounting. But then I also realise I’m talking about my blog, not a child, and I could actually stop being so fucking weird.

Quote of the Day

Mum and I were looking at printers.

Printer man: This one can scan negatives.

Mum: Oh, she’s too young to know about negatives.

Me: Mum, I was born in ’83, not ’93. I used to keep my weed in an empty film canister.

…

Mum: Oh.

My Ladybug Response

I AM CONFUSED. And not just blonde confused, like actually confused. And also amused. Confused and Amused.

About two months ago, all of a sudden I was getting hundreds of hits a day, out of the blue. I’m thinking okay, this is weird, but I like it. What’s going on? It turns out all the hits were from people searching for ladybugs. And I mean, SEARCHING. Searching for ladybugs, picture of ladybug, ladybug on leaf, ladybug in garden, ladybug flying. Any variation of ladybug you could think of, people were searching for it.

Which led them to a post I wrote about a year ago, in which I expressed my dislike of ladybugs. You can read it here.

WELL. Talk about bringing out the hate. I think ladybugs are kinda creepy, true. I would prefer a Daddy-Long-Legs in my house (as we all know) than a ladybug. It turns out this opinion makes me a Monster who Defies God and blah blah etc etc. Though from the longs bits of Wikipedia text on the merits of ladybugs have been informative and appreciated. These people really like ladybugs. Like, LOVE ladybugs. And that, to me, is a bit creepier than the, what I thought, was a PAINFULLY tongue-in-cheek narrative on them.

But the CREEPIEST thing about all this is the following:

Why the HELL are all these people searching for blogs on ladybugs? I’m talking hundreds a day. And all of a sudden. Did a ladybug save some kid’s life in another country and it just didn’t make the news over here or something? Am now picturing a SuperHero Ladybug in a cape swooping down and saving a cherubic child from a burning building. In which case I totally understand the public obsession with them overnight.

But if that didn’t happen people… well. You’re all pretty weird. I await your outrage with anticipation and glee.

My Spider-Baby Army, or, ‘Where the New Year has made me slightly insane.’

I am still not dead. Though I appreciate my lack of postings would suggest otherwise.

Ever since the time I murdered the Daddy-Long-Legs by trying to save it’s life, I’ve become a bit ridiculous in regards to spider safety. For example, if I find a Daddy-Long-Legs in my shower, instead of trying to save it (because we all know how well THAT turned out) I now try and angle my body so the minimal amount of water spray gets on it. Which makes my shower insanely uncomfortable. I tried ‘pretending’ I didn’t see them and so if, oh well, my shower spray sent them spiralling down the drain I told myself it wasn’t my fault. BUT IT WAS.

I clearly have problems.

Just now, while going out to enjoy a summer evening cigarette*, I noticed a spider, a white one, not sure what kind, perched by my doorway. Surrounding it was a lot of little spider-babies. After my initial freak out, with the thought of them growing up and running around my house, I’ve decided I’m quite fond of them. I certainly can’t kill them. THEY’RE CHILDREN. And so one half of me hopes they grow up really quickly and leave home to seek their fortunes, while the other (and I admit, more imaginative half) has dreams of creating a Spider-Baby Army in which they obey my every whim. The picture in my head is very a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

With a bit of Aladdin thrown in. The Aladdin part is where I picture myself riding the biggest spider under a canopy, languidly** waving my arms to command my Spider-Baby Army.

It’s all pretty awesome.

* Enjoyment is a strong word, as I’m smoking the second rate Champion Ruby as the IGA in the sticks that I was forced to go to had run out of Golden Virginia. What the hell? Who smokes Golden Virginia outside of Europe apart from me?

** Languid should clearly be in the list of words to be used as often as possible.

Images from: harrypotter.wikia.com and atomicmail.com

The Wedding Sister and my ‘Stylist’

Today I got my hair cut. I look as saucy as can be. But this is not my point. My point in the inanity of hairdressers. Again.

I get my hair cut at a different place from where I get it coloured (Oh Mieka, can you do no wrong?) on recommendation from my little sister.

My sister, who is rad, is getting married in less than two weeks. As I was getting caped and gowned by my lovely ‘stylist’ (you’re not supposed to call them ‘hairdressers’ any more) the woman who cuts my sister’s hair recognised me.

Woman who cuts my sister’s hair: Oh, I recognise you! Your Mavis’s* sister!

Me: Yeah, I am! She recommended this salon to me.

Woman who cuts my sister’s hair: She’s coming in soon to get her hair done for the wedding! How exciting!

Me: Yeah, we’re all pretty excited about it.

MY stylist, who had been listening to this, stops short, mid cape buttoning, and gazes at me in the mirror.

My stylist: Your sister is getting married?

Me: Yes, next Sunday.

My stylist: And she’s okay with you getting your hair cut so close to the wedding?

WTF. Was she serious? I thought she wasn’t, so I laughed. And then I realised she WAS. And then there was a very interesting conversation in which I explained that my sister was actually one of those amazing creatures who DOESN’T CARE if her sister’s hair doesn’t match her squillion dollar wedding shoes and if her best friend’s nails don’t match the flower arrangements she will not have an apoplexy because my sister has the common sense to understand that weddings have NO NEED to be the retarded circus that so many insist on them being.

I find it ASTONISHING how many people can’t wrap their heads around the simplicity of the coming ceremony.

Random person: So… wait… you’re not a bridesmaid? She’s not having bridesmaids? But… but what flower arrangement is she getting? THE FLOWERS ARE NOT GOING TO BE ARRANGED!?

As much as we all love the look of flowers that look like they’ve been bred in a science lab and then hair sprayed together (see above), no. They are not going to be arranged.

I would like to take the time to a) apologise for initially calling my ‘stylist’ inane, because clearly this is an issue that she’s had to deal with many times before. She even told me her sister made her grow out her fringe for her wedding. Clearly her sister is not as amazing as my sister.

and b) thank my sister for being the awesome person she is.

* My sister’s name is not Mavis. That is just what I call her sometimes to piss her off. As she sent me a text message today saying ‘hi penisbreath’, I think I am allowed to Mavis her up today.

This mother should rule the world… or at least be the deputy to my mum

I just read a WONDERFUL article written by the type of person who really should be the ruler the universe. If everyone had the same kind of attitude as this woman does, then this world would be far more tolerant and a rad place to live. Hence my title. Of course, I think MY mum is the best mum ever, which is to be expected (but seriously, she is) so this woman could be like, my mum’s High Chancellor or Advisory Queen or something.

I’m sharing the link here and I encourage EVERYONE to press on it.

http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

My Top 10 Buffy Episodes. Ever.

So recently I’ve become obsessed with the awesome site www.listverse.com, which is amazing for a number of reasons. The first one being that it’s a site full of lists and I LOVE lists. The second is that it’s amazingly addictive and if I’m at work, it can take up a good couple of hours. Because I’m not working at work. That would be weird. Anyways, it inspired to create my very own list and maybe the bosses as Listverse will SEE my list and think I’m awesome and want to put it on their site! Oh em gee. It would be like I would be famous. There was something seriously wrong with the grammar in that sentence but I’m really not going to dwell on it.

Seriously, check Listverse out cos it’s interesting. Lists of the top 10 weird travel destinations. Top 10 gruesome ways to die. Top 10 facts that are actually wrong. Top 10 weird scenes in movies. Top 10 political prisoners. Etc etc. And you get to LEARN at the same time! What could be more fun.

This list is dedicated to the Buffy episodes that I can watch over and over. Many fans of Buffy will cite other episodes as being better, more technically correct, significant, etc. For example. The Body is widely recognised as one of the most sophisticated episodes. But let’s face it. It’s certainly not one I can watch a heap of times. BECAUSE IT’S SAD. Same goes for Conversations with Dead People. One word: Creepy. This is MY list of MY favourite episodes.

10. FOOL FOR LOVE

I always love a bit of history and backstory in Buffy and this episode had epic proportions of it. It also did a very fancy crossover with Angel, but I won’t go into it cos it will be confusing and this entire post is lost on non-Buffy watchers anyway.

This gets the Number 10 spot for the above scene where Spike gets all Billy Idol in New York and acquires his leather jacket.

Image from: www.ew.com

9. INNOCENCE

ANGEL.TURNS.BAD. Need I say more? And check it out. His shirt is off. And it’s yum. And look, Buffy is all sad and shit cos she doesn’t understand why her True Love is being a meanie to her. IT’S COS HE HAS TURNED BAD BUFFY!

Image from: www.ew.com

8. BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED

Poor geeky Xander has just been dumped on Valentine’s Day, so gets the help of Amy to make Cordelia fall back in love with him. Spell goes wrong, and every female in Sunnydale falls for him, including Buffy’s mum. Oh, and except for Cordelia. Highlights include Buffy’s technicolor tan.

Image from: Photobucket

7. SOMETHING BLUE

So Willow is all depressed and annoying cos Oz has gone off to Nepal or the Himalayas or whatever to go ‘find himself’ and so she does some Magicks to get Oz to come back to her. But due to her karmic imbalance, or you know, she’s all stressy, the Magicks go wrong and all of a sudden Giles is blind, Xander’s a demon magnet and Spike and Buffy have decided they’re getting married. Comedy gold. Giles at his best.

Image from: www.bbc.co.uk

6. HALLOWEEN

This is a really hard one to cap as I think all the one-liners in it just make it beautiful. I think this was the first episode Joss (I LOVE YOU!) really turned Sunnydale upside down, which are always my favourite ones. As demonstrated by this list.

Image from: www.thetorchonline.com

5. THE WISH

Cordelia makes a wish that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, so enter a Sunnydale without Buffy. See picture: Vampires abound in the form of her bff’s. I remember really loving Buffy’s alternate universe scar across her lip in this episode, and wished I had my very own scar across my lip in weird self harm kinda way. Best finale ever.

Image from: Photobucket

4. GRADUATION DAY (parts 1 and 2)

This is cheating a little bit, cos it’s two episodes, but they have the same name so whatever. Easily the best fight between Buffy and Evil Slayer Faith. I especially like their matching but not matching leather pants. And Faith’s super squiggly evil looking knife. I tried to find a picture but all that was available were them in doll form, which I found a bit too creepy. The graduating class getting all pitchforky is pretty rad too. And the whole Angel biting Buffy thing is actually a bit hot. Which is weird.

Image from: andythesaint.wordpress.com (I just realised the site I stole this image from, (thanks Andy, you rock! I hope it’s okay I stole your picture. If not, please email me and I will feel like I have a fan!) has does the Top 25 episodes of Buffy. Go Andy! I am going to check it out. Though Andy, to be honest, I think letting you have 25 episodes is cheating a little bit, and much easier to do. Fine. If I was allowed 25, I would also include, in no particular order: Pangs, The Body, Doppelgangland, The Gift, Superstar – purely for the opening credits, School Hard, What’s My Line parts 1 and 2, Becoming parts 1 and 2.Phases, Lover’s Walk, and OH MY GOD I’m stopping there. How could you do 25? Far too much.

3. ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING

THEY ALL SING. Well, Willow tries and the rest of them sing. And very catchy, catchy songs too. Didn’t like Tara until this episode. She sold me with her saucy metaphors and cheeky eye dart as she spread herself under her ‘willow tree’. Oh, Tara. You minx.

Image from: Lyrics digger

2. HUSH

This was originally my number one spot and I will explain why it got moved when I talk about my actual number one. Possibly the most frightening Buffy episode ever, with the possible exception of Killed By Death. (Did you SEE that demon guy with the eyeballs that stuck on kid’s foreheads and sucked out their lives? DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF!?) Anyways, Hush is rad for all sorts of technical reasons which are explained much more academically and succinctly on other sites that are not this one. It’s the whole thing of having NO dialogue for the majority of the episode. The highlights for me in this episode is clearly Giles’ slideshow. The lowlight is clearly Buffy’s retarded scream at the end.

Image from: DVD movie reviews

1. BAND CANDY

Yes, this is my all time favourite Buffy episode for so many amazing reasons. It’s the one I can watch many, many times. I think what really sold me on this episode is it’s relationship to one two seasons later. In the scene above, Giles and Joyce are listening to Cream’s, Tale of Brave Ulysses, one of my all time favourite songs. Then, in the episode of The Body, two seasons later, there is a very small scene, with no dialogue, where you see Giles put on the same vinyl recording and listen to it with a glass of scotch as a tribute to Joyce. Or it may have been brandy. Whatever. Anyway, I didn’t even click to this until I was having a mega Buffy marathon run and managed to watch three seasons in about three days, and recognised the song. Oh Joss. You are my hero. You’re so SLY!

Image from: msjacks.wordpress.com

The Mouse and The Pretend Bong

It has been so embarrassingly long since I’ve posted a Sophie update that I actually forgot for a little minute which buttons to press to actually create a new post. WOW.

So, in my defence, I have been Totes Def Busy. I’m making Other Writing Projects. And writing an Exegesis. For those of you who don’t know what an exegesis is, here is a brief yet I believe succinct explanation:

An exegesis is a 7000 word piece of wank that universities make you do so they can scam as much money from you as possible.*

I have also been doing the following:

- having crushes on boys who don’t like me back.

- re-reading all the Harry Potter’s.

- trying to remember how to make a bong from a drink bottle and a piece of hose (this is a ‘pretend’ bong**, for aforementioned writing projects that is turning into a film project, and included a very interesting conversation with the hardware man who I was buying a piece of hose from. At 26, cutting up pieces of hose from your neighbour’s backyards is probably somewhat inappropriate. But if the kids who live behind me don’t put WD40 on that infernal swing set, not only will I steal their hose but also throw a rabid dog over their fence. Interestingly, the picture above shows a much more sophisticated bong then the pretend one we actually ended up with. Which is embarrassing.)

- scamming free tickets from Village Cinemas after I saw a mouse DANCING on my armrest during a viewing of Wall Street 2. The mouse was the most interesting thing that happened during this viewing.

- playing cards.

- helping organise my sister’s Pre-Wedding Cocktail Extravaganza, because Hen’s Nights are just nightmares in hot pink.

- and like, other stuff n shit I can’t remember.

I’m back Sophie. I promise.

 

* By saying ‘scam as much money from you as possible’, I of course mean, ‘scamming money off the lovely government who is technically paying for this wank fest of an education that I have no plans of ever paying back.’

** Research shows that you can actually get stoned from a ‘pretend’ bong, as much as you can from a real one.

Image from: grasscity.com

I’M ALIVE! and incidentally, so is the man next door

Haven’t had internet in forever because Telstra are like pigeons. Useless and makes me want to vomit.

So the other day, when I’m all stressy and gross because of my lack of internet and the fights I’m having with Telstra and racking up an astronomical phone bill, I hear what can only be the sound of a smoke alarm battery dying.

We’ve all heard it. That infernal ‘beep’ every 30 seconds that wiggles inside your head and makes you want to stick your head in an oven.

I knew it definitely wasn’t mine because I had taken the battery out when I first moved in which is probably illegal but then isn’t suicide in some cases? So this beeping was Definitely not in my house. But because I live in a stupid unit, I can hear stupid everything from my stupid neighbours. And yes, they are all stupid. And all seem to have about 100 children each.

So I spend the next 20 minutes trying to find the source of the beeping by standing outside each unit one by one, listening, and looking really dodgy.  I finally track it down to the little old man two units down who hated on my scones.

So I knock on his door and say in my best Neighbour Voice, (it’s very mature and kinda perky) ‘hi there! Sorry to bother you, but I think your smoke alarm is running out of battery! I can hear the beeping!’

Little Scone Hating Man flatly refuses to believe it’s his alarm. Even though as I’m being all perky and neirbourly I can actaully see the infernal thing flashing and beeping away on the ceiling above his head. He refuses to believe this because he is deaf and he can’t hear it.

Him: Well now, I don’t think it’s mine. I can’t hear anything.

Me: I’m fairly certain it is yours. I can see it flashing. Oh, yes, and it just beeped again.

Him: No, didn’t hear it.

Me: Lucky you!

Him: I don’t think you would be able to hear it from your house, if I can’t hear it from mine.

Me: I think you’re just going to have to trust me on this one. I can hear it. Every 30 seconds. In fact, in about 7 seconds I’m going to hear it again.

BEEP.

Then he tells me that even if it is his, there’s nothing he can do about it until Thursday when his daughter comes to visit because he is much too Old and Frail to go hunting after beeping noises.

So that’s how I ended up on a chair with a broom whacking at the damn thing trying to bring it down. After I while, I did. It fell off the ceiling and bounced on the floor, bouncing the battery out of it. Little Old Scone Hating Man stares accusingly up at me.

Him: YOU BROKE IT!

And THEN, he picks up the battery and tries to jam it back in.

And he manages to do this in such a way, I can’t get the battery out again without banging it against my knee and swearing while Scone Hater looks at me disapprovingly and starts talking about his hearing aid battery and how batteries are delicate and you shouldn’t ‘bang them about’.

But eventually, mission accomplished. Until I tell my mother this story and she gets all, ‘what if there is a fire now? and the little old man dies?’ So I explained to her it wouldn’t have made a particle of difference because clearly he wouldn’t have heard the alarm go off anyway. And it’s past Thursday now so I am telling myself the daughter arrived and re-batterised the damn thing. And I’ve just discovered I didn’t invent the word ‘re-batterised’ because when I wrote it just now, no red squiggly line came to tell me it wasn’t a real word. But it does when I just write ‘batterised.’ WHO KNEW?

Sophie’s Favourite Photo of the Day

If anyone knows what this picture is called, or where I can find a copy of it in awesome poster sized format, please let me know! Want this hanging next to another similar poster in my house!

Sophie’s Nostalgic Look in the Past of the Day

HAMA BEADS

These guys were So Fun. We kept them in empty icecream tubs. And then we discovered they made GLITTER Hama Beads! And GLOW IN THE DARK Hama Beads! Was there any end to the fun? Well, yes:

1. When you really, really, really needed just one more purple glitter bead to finish off your art piece extravaganza and you realise you’ve already ironed on the last purple glitter bead on to another art piece extravaganza. So you think just using plain purple will work. But it doesn’t. So then you accidentally on purpose destroy the other art piece extravaganza to use one of the purple glitter beads on your new art piece extravaganza but it’s all melty and not the same.

2. When you step on them.

3. When you’ve spent hours putting your beads on the board and then you accidentally knock the table and they all jump out of place.

4. When you drop your entire bucket of Hama Beads on the floor. You will be finding them for weeks.

5. When you finally finish a masterpiece and you get out the baking paper to iron it to make it all melty and stuck together and you get too excited so start peeling the baking paper off far too early and half the beads come off with the paper and the other half are still on the board.

Hama Beads ROCKED.

http://www.hamabeads.com/

Sophie’s Recommended Blog of the Day

One for the ladies, check out StyleMeAlice, a new blog by an up and coming Melbourne stylist.

It’s informative and fun and inspiring and you WILL want to take Alice with you the next time you shop. Ever.

Everyone knows I hate shopping and think that shopping = Death. But somehow after reading the first entries of StyleMeAlice I want to go out wielding my Visa and make friends with shop assistants. Go figure.

I want to go and buy a belt now. And some black closed toe pumps.

Things I will do when I win the lottery (that’s right—When)

I am going to skip over the standard things that everyone knows they will do. Like, buy a house/car/round the world ticket/investment property/possibly or proably not pay off massive uni fees/shopping spree/beauty treatments/charity efforts.

I’m thinking more of the things you think about or dream about and you never get around to it cos it’s too expensive all at once:

1. Get all my pictures framed. Framing is insane expensive and I have lots of pretty vintage posters and artwork by my sister that needs to be totally framed. Like, I have a lot of it.

2. Get all my Very Old Books That Are Falling Apart rebound.

3. Arrange for my Dream Massage which sounds dodgy, but really means that one person massages my right foot and leg, another my left foot and leg, one each for the arms and hands, one for my neck and the last one for my head. That’s six people. SIX. Cos you know if you have a massage and you’re thinking yeah, this is really nice, I can’t wait until they get to my lower back, and then they do and the rest of you feels all neglected. Imagine my six people extravaganza. This is still sounding super dodgy.

4. Have my dream clothes especially made for me so I don’t have to shop. I don’t like shopping.

5. Complete my Sweet Valley High collection courtesy of ebay.

6. Install a secret passage in my house because I always wanted one. Having said that, I guess that could just go under ‘buy house’ because my dream house would already have a secret passage.

7. Buy all my childhood movies on DVD to install on my awesome entertainment system in previously discussed dream house.

That’s all I can think of right now that isn’t blindingly obvious. I am sure I will think of more things.

Search terms of the day

As previously discussed, I can look up what people have typed into WordPress that has led them to my blog. The current leaders are ‘hit girl wallpaper’ and ‘jessica true blood’, both of which pop up at least once a day.

But yesterday WordPress told me that someone in the universe typed in the following that led them to the Sophie Love:

hairdresser having sex while blow drying

I am now going to type this into Google images and see what happens…

Yeah, okay. That was totally boring. I was hoping for some kinky high jinks but it was just girls with perfect hair wielding Remingtons.

Pee Ess:

Sarah from Mieka totally fixed my hair. She is rad. If you are looking for a good colourist in a good salon I from Syria can’t reccomend her enough. Even if you don’t live nearby, I have learned from my cat-on-head experience it is totally worth the hike. Plus Smith St fun fore and aft your appointment!

So here are some awesome Mieka details again for you:

9416 5026
308 Smith St Collingwood
Melbourne VIC 3066

http://www.miekahairdressing.com.au/